Thankful

Thankful: the word keeps popping up this month. Obviously it has to do with Thanksgiving, and perhaps the idea that we should be thankful for the good things in life and the unsuspected happiness that arrives after a bad spell, though sometimes we don't think of these until years later.

Good things come out of bad situations. Me? I'm a product of a one night stand. My birth mother disregarded the easy way out (though she didn't know of my existence until she was 7 months along, so there were only 2 months of so-called social "shame" on her part... but from what I can tell, even 1 second of shame feels like an agonizing eternity, so what do I know?) and gave me up for a better life. She probably still wonders why she didn't know know about me until it was too late; that she could have taken better care of me while I was still developing. More than likely, her father and mother forced her to give me up...after all, my maternal grandfather's name is on the surrender sheet. It would have been her father who could have legitimized me by registering me under his family, not my birthmother. Instead, I was given away. Who knows? Maybe she did want to keep me... but without registration, I would be an outcast, if I weren't already an outcast for being brought up in a single family home. I may even be 훈헐 (houn-hyol)...of mixed blood; inferior. That would not have helped any matters for my future in Korea. What other choice was there but surrendering me in hopes for a better life?

If she had any hopes (not saying she didn't, but I cannot put words in her mouth), those did not go to waste. I have a family who loves me. There are several instances of this love, and those of you who have met my parents realize that I am loved. Those of you who know my brother and sister know that I am loved by them as well. Yes, we have all have had our moments of quarrels. In the end, when we look at the damage done, we realize we were actually communicating the same thing all along. For example: I went through this phase in which my physical insecurity had come to a head. I loathed myself, and I loathed myself for loathing myself if that's understandable. After all, my family kept telling me how proud they were of me... so in loathing myself, I was also loathing the opinions of those whom I held in high regard. When I finally voiced my self-loathing, the reaction was met with some abruptness. At first I was hurt, how could my family be so cursory towards me? Then I remembered...

When I was a little girl, my mom and I were in line at K-Mart. The lady at the register kept looking at me and then at my mom attempting to get it through her tiny pea-brain head that she was actually seeing a mother with her daughter. After a few moments, curiosity got the better of her and the cashier says to my mother, "What a beautiful child! She must look like her father!" as if mom's and my looks were the judge of our relationship rather than the emotional bond. My mother, very bluntly states: "Well, I wouldn't know." and walks off. 

My family is very loyal. We love each other and hold each other fiercely and want to protect each other. What happens when the person we try to protect the other from is the self? My family wasn't being harsh to me... they were insulted for me...that I could not see my own belonging within their circle even after all this time. Even now, I am reminded everyday, even through arguments how my family does fight to be together; help each other... even when we, the individual, don't want the help. I know how loved I am... I hope my siblings and parents know how loved they are. That even in our disagreements, our silences, and in our periods of absence we still love and support other.

Sometimes, I wish 차계림had a mirror to which she could see how happy I am... how supported I am... how her hope for me came true. 

나는 행복하다, 어머니! 

나는잘있다,어머니! 

어머님,당신은 불 수 있는?