Sometimes, you don't have to find the words...

...amazingly enough, someone already said them. What I've just said may seem like an easy way out, especially if you're an academic. There's always something to be said that hasn't, and you have to find it, right?

At the beginning of Fall semester, my director had me compile an extensive bibliography of Korean adoptee works: written by and written about adoptees, documentaries, movies, etc. At the end of the semester, she then looked at me and simply stated: "Have 90% of the bibliography read and/or viewed by the end of winter break." Wow....um, okay? What did I do? I did what I was told. I'm currently reading and viewing documents, articles, documentaries, and movies. Yes, it's been exhausting... yes, I have had a mental/emotional breakdown at one point in time...after all, this is a topic close to my heart and often times I do not speak of things I feel or experience. Pieces will resonate with me, and I am in a world of my own for days as I attempt to comprehend meaning.

I am not alone. There are others like me who understand me without ever meeting me. How do I know they understand? I read their words, and it's like they are describing me whilst they describe themselves and their attitudes, thoughts, feelings, about who they are.

I have struggled much of my life to understand the complexities of my identity. At one point I believed I was white. Soon however, racist comments destroyed that misconception, and I grew to loathe the mirror's reflection and it's seeming contradiction. After I grew to identify as Korean, I traveled to South Korea where I was promptly informed that I was actually American. In the end, I finally returned to the United States and became Korean-American...After such a complex path to self-discovery, I have now dedicated my life to helping redefined what it means to be "American."---Jennifer Ardnt 2001, qtd in Hubinette's chapter, "Asian Bodies Out of Control: Examining the Adopted Korean Existence" within Asian Diasporas: New Formations, New Conceptions

For years I was told "Your nationality is Korean." This is what I'd say when I was asked, "Where are you from?" or "What nationality are you?" I am now realizing that this "nationality" question was just a polite way of saying, "I know you're Asian, but what Asian are you?" Though I always winced at the question, it was always better than the person assuming I was Chinese.

When I was in Korea, I was asked, "What nationality are you?" And when I said "Korean" I was promptly told I wasn't Korean.... I couldn't speak Korean, so how could I be Korean. Logistically speaking, this totally makes sense. Just because someone looks the part, doesn't mean they are the part. If someone "looked" like a doctor, yet had no medical knowledge, would you want that person diagnosing you because he/she looked like a doctor? (If you answered "Yes," I seriously question your common sense right now =p)  I, of course, took to telling people I was an American, or just a foreigner if I didn't feel like fully explaining things. After my tenure in Korea, I came back to the US. One day, a woman asked me, "What is your nationality" I habitually told her "American." She looked at me as if I were a smart ass. I had to quickly explain why I had answered correctly!  It was then I realized that the American public does not fully understand the melting pot concept it upholds, reducing nationality to race. My work does question the idea of Nationality...I really do hope that one day, I won't have to explain my answer to "What is your nationality?" lest I be thought of as an ass.

Lately, I have had to confront a pastiche of labels: Asian, Korean, American, and adopted. A situation such as this has made me realize identity is not something that can be buried or ignored. I have too many hyphens to inter-connect what it is that supposedly constitutes my existence that I have given up attaching any kind of "label". Ultimately, there is no term that will explain entirely that which makes me. So, call me what you will, but keep it clean.--Mark Keats 2003,  qtd in Hubinette's chapter, "Asian Bodies Out of Control: Examining the Adopted Korean Existence" within Asian Diasporas: New Formations, New Conceptions

Recently, I've realized that I haven't had to explain myself at all. Fortunately, I'm in an area that carries a high Asian American population, so it is not really assumed that an Asian body is absolutely a foreigner. When moments do appear in which my identity is questioned, I bristle. My parents don't have to answer this...neither do my brother, sister, or husband, why should I? Keats has it quite right when he states: "Ultimately, there is no term that will explain entirely that which makes me..." This is true for all of us... we are not merely "American" or "adopted" or "white" or "black" there's too much history within us for that.

I am an academic scholar, Korean American, but not fully immersed in Korean culture since I do not speak the language, a Korean adoptee; a daughter/granddaughter/niece to a white family, wife to a white man, but this does not fully explain me...my wants, desires, wishes, hopes, dreams, etc. This merely scratches the surface, a mere government document as to what my identity is. As of now, and perhaps this is because I'm within the whirlwind of reading and processing...I will admit I am tired. However, I must say that Keats, again, says it best when he states: "So, call me what you will, but keep it clean."