Arrival Day

**Those of you who follow, family rooted in love's blog, this will be a repeat. I just couldn't help sharing this semi-revised version today**

“Gotcha Day”: an adoptive community slang for the day in which a family brought home their new family member. According to Kristi Brian, author of Reframing Transracial Adoption, a woman named Margaret Schwarts claims September 15 to be International “Gotcha” day. Though it’s so-called cute and catchy, the term has weighted meaning.

Some people believe those who take issue with the terminology are over thinking the term. However, this so-called “Gotcha Day” carries baggage which weighs so much, I cannot begin to explain it, but I will try. Imagine saying this to an adopted child: Gotcha! Yeah, we gotcha at another person’s expense (perhaps even you, the adopted person’s expense)… Gotcha, as in pulled you away from your culture… Gotcha, as in pulled the wool over your biological family’s eyes in order to get you over to the United States. After a while, it starts to sound like the cruel pranks played at school, were afterwards, the victim is surrounded by jeers, pointed fingers, and that dreaded phrase: “HAHAHA! Gotcha!”

As an adoptee, I’m appalled. Apparently, this is a phrase used throughout adoptive families. To me, ‘gotcha’ smacks of ownership and trickery. I wasn’t even aware of this term until I saw someone post of Facebook his/her nephews’ “Gotcha Day” celebration…complete with a Chinese meal at “Golden Dragon.” I wince. I burn. I twinge. Sure, the family is probably working with what they have, but I know they have the Internet. Surely someone in the Chinese adoptive community has shared that Chinese American food is not truly authentic Chinese food! (If you didn’t know until now; now you know.) If an adoptive family wants to introduce their child to the food of his/her heritage, great; however, please don’t falsify their biological culture. Do your research. Adopting parents/families should know better by now.

In today’s United States, I expect more of adoptive families. We have the Internet. We have virtual communities to learn from the past mistakes of others so we can make our own new mistakes. Please don’t mistake my words, I am all for celebrating the day in which a person joins a family.

In my family, it’s called Arrival Day. It’s the day I literally arrived to my family. The day is complete with a meal at a restaurant of my choice. During my childhood, there wasn’t too much diversity in my area and the only “Asian” cuisine available was a Golden Dragon-like venue. I would eat white rice, egg drop soup, and an egg roll. We didn’t have the Internet to inform us the so-called Chinese restaurant we were at was about as authentic as McDonald’s is an everyday meal for most American families. If there had been a Korean restaurant, I know my parents would have brought me there. In the present, I admit I still celebrate my Arrival Day. As a matter of fact, I am preparing for my outing now.

Today, I will eat at an authentic Korean restaurant. I will sit there, dressed in my hanbok*, with my husband and and friends, celebrating my life here: my family and friends. This day will also be bittersweet I also remember the mother I was taken from, the culture I involuntarily left. As I put on the earrings my biological aunt sent me, her written words will resonate in my head: "I can say to you only with my heart. I don't know how to say. Please be happy my niece."

Yes, I did “arrive” but when I did, I departed somewhere else.

As an adoptee, I highly encourage adopting families to celebrate the day their children entered the family. At the same time, please respect the fact when your children became your family, they were lost by another family. Respect your children. Respect their loss. Don’t trivialize it. Remember, when you gained them, your children lost something. Adoption is gain, but also loss.

*hanbok: traditional Korean dress.